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April 01, 2006
Many Wives
I'm watching an unusual HBO drama called Big Love. It's about a Mormon polygamist living in Utah with his three wives and seven children. The show's major themes bring to mind why multiple wives, while intriguing in theory, can be a nightmare in practice. I've only seen a couple of episodes, so the background is unclear. There is a no-nonsense alpha-wife, a slightly younger, emotionally demanding wife and an even younger bright-eyed thing who is routinely exploited by the elder wives. The show spends a great deal of time exploring mundane situations, such as the logistics of splitting the husband's time equally (including tense horsetrading over birthdays) and the pooling of finances when one wife works and the other two stay at home. The husband exhibits occasional moments of deep satisfaction, but overall appears pressured by their sexual demands (causing him to search online for herbal supplements and Viagra) and overwhelmed by the sniping between the alpha-wife and the demanding second-wife.
I note one particularly hilarious moment: the elder wives were puttering around the backyard when they were interrupted by the ecstatic screams of wife 3 and their husband from the upstairs bedroom window. The two wives scowled hatefully at the house and began to mutter about the offending wife and her unacceptably rude noisemaking. Later on at breakfast, they both asked her pointedly about the appropriateness of her small silky bathrobe, forcing her to rush upstairs utterly humiliated.
Now obviously this makes me think about polygamy in MENA and the Quran's urging that all wives be treated equally (e.g. attention, assets, living conditions) in a polygamous marriage. I am not sure where to find data on its prevalence in modern times, but considering how hard it is to support one wife, having a second or third would seem nearly impossible from a financial perspective.
Then there is the inevitable tension that accompanies the arrival of another wife. I can't picture a situation where a new marriage would be celebrated by the elder wife. A third wife would likely force an alliance between two women against the third, particularly if the newcomer was very young, fertile or beautiful. Four might "work" in terms of balance, unless one wife became the unfortunate target of three others. I recall touring an old palace in northern India and hearing the tale of a prince with many wives. As the story goes, he would watch them in the courtyard from his salon window and if any of them fought, all would be forced to grind flour for many hours. Harmony between his wives only existed under his watchful authority.
Opinions on Islam and polygamy tend to vary, but I have yet to find a comprehensive source on polygamy in practice across MENA. Any suggestions?
And in case you were wondering, multiple wives wouldn't go over with me at all. Only child, never learned to share.
Posted by eerie at April 1, 2006 06:24 PM
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Comments
what about multiple husbands?
i'm an only child as well. yes, we are spoiled. except when something goes wrong, there's no one else to blame.
Posted by: drdougfir ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://eerie.aqoul.com/nav-commenters.gif)
at April 1, 2006 09:16 PM
Did you see the Egyptian soap opera about Nur El Sharif having 4 wives? It was called "Al Hagg Mitwalli" and it was extremely nauseating, but for comparison purposes you could not do better than to match up one soap opera with another.
Posted by: Anna_in_Cairo at April 2, 2006 04:31 AM
Hey guy readership --
"multiple wives wouldn't go over with me at all"
Look at the date. It's April Fools. Dont sweat it.
Posted by: matthew hogan at April 2, 2006 11:15 AM
hmmm...i like this blog.
and i do not like many. ;)
i imagine multiple wives is purely a function of the ratio of marriageable women to available suitable men.
I once offered to be someone's second wife, but he refused me.
He said one of his uncles had multiple wives and it caused too much fighting.
Posted by: jinnilyyah at April 2, 2006 01:02 PM
but E wouldn't play such an april fool's joke, would she?
Posted by: drdougfir at April 2, 2006 01:04 PM
i imagine multiple wives is purely a function of the ratio of marriageable women to available suitable men.
In Mohammed's time, certainly. It seems that the polygamy rules were designed to protect women without fathers or husbands (e.g. if they were lost in battle).
Since there appear to be more males than females in countries like KSA and UAE (~1.4 males per female), the practice shouldn't be necessary in practical terms.
but E wouldn't play such an april fool's joke, would she?
No. Anyone who knows me can vouch for my lack of interest in sharing things or even getting along with women, for that matter.
Posted by: eerie at April 2, 2006 01:38 PM
Did you see the Egyptian soap opera about Nur El Sharif having 4 wives?
Ah if only I could get that here...
Posted by: eerie at April 2, 2006 01:53 PM
The UAE actually has the world's most lopsided sex ratio, it's almost 2 men for every woman. But that's on account of large numbers of foreign male workers in places like the construction sector. I think there are slightly more Emirati women than Emirati men.
Posted by: dubaiwalla at April 2, 2006 03:51 PM
Did you see this week's? I only really gave it a shot because it came on after the Sopranos ( that and Harry Dean Stanton is a character acting god ), but it is definitely starting to get good.
Posted by: Tamerlane at April 3, 2006 02:04 AM
dear all,
in beirut, among the age group of (educated) 20-40 year olds, the ratio is about 1 man to 4 women.
(leans back in his chair and smiles.)
--raf*
Posted by: raf* at April 3, 2006 12:54 PM
Oh how terrible for you!
CIA Factbook - Lebanon agrees (somewhat):
15-64 years: 0.92 male(s)/female
So then the question is, how prevalent is polygamy in Lebanon vs. KSA vs. UAE, taking into account that UAE has a large number of non-viable (i.e. Emiratis would probably not marry them) guestworker males?
Doesn't anyone compile statistics on this sort of thing?
Posted by: eerie at April 3, 2006 01:14 PM
Polygamy - not all that prevalent, in Lebanon. Especially not in the urban bits.
Despite which...
Posted by: Tom Scudder at April 3, 2006 03:57 PM
Well, some of you may recall my "24 and single" assistant from the old Sham Land fund days. (That would be the one who introduced herself to me exactely as such, I confess I was caught off guard. Luckily my fear of cousins with AK-47s exceeded my scumminess)
Posted by: The Lounsbury at April 3, 2006 05:43 PM
See? My only chance with raf is to settle for second wife.
Good thing i am not an only child.
Posted by: jinnilyah at April 3, 2006 07:45 PM
dear all,
the c.i.a. fact book relates to ALL of lebanon and the 15-64 age group, whereas i am talking about the EDUCATED 20-40 age group. also, the c.i.a. fact book still counts all those male lebanese who are working in the gulf or europe/america.
on the ground, in beirut & environs, it really is about 4 women to 1 man. and the better a marriage prospect ($$$, career path, good family, education, and THEN - maybe - good character) the more desired that male becomes. the competition among women is FIERCE. the gender imbalance is one of the main reasons for the explosion of plastic surgery in lebanon after the war.
(pauses momentarily to smile again.)
polygamy is almost non-existant in the levante. not only is it expensive, but also socially discouraged. basically, men who marry more than one wife are seen as "backwards" or "saudi-like" - terms that are mutually interchangable. what DOES happen is that married men screw their secretaries and keep mistresses.
oh, btw, ya abu l-maal - your worries re: "24 & single"'s ak-47-wielding male relatives were entirely unfounded. these guys are a lot of talk but no action. IF they ever find out, that is ...
--raf*
Posted by: raf* at April 4, 2006 06:23 AM
Right, so returning to the actual issue (as opposed to increasing my general cynicism re: marriage), it seems that pure demographic pressures are not enough to make polygamy acceptable in a given society.
Are there single Lebanese women who aren't interested in marriage or are they all hell-bent on finding husbands?
Posted by: eerie at April 4, 2006 12:17 PM
